Creative non-fiction short
I always wished my brothers were my age. Then maybe we could be better friends. I know it wouldn’t have been possible since we had different moms who were on different baby-having schedules, but I wished the awkward barrier of them having experienced my life over ten years ago wasn’t there.
Just try it! One of them handed me a fresh can of Budweiser, the other said it again. The can felt refreshing in my hand, sweating heavily out there on the lake. The boat ambled through the water at idle speed; it and we were resting after skiing. Come on, just taste it! Flipping through my mind were memories of lectures from D.A.R.E. officers, my parents forbidding me alcohol when my brain was so fragile and malleable, stories of alcoholics, drunk people, dead people. But I took a sip (!). God that’s horrible! My mouthful was in the lake. Uggghh. They laughed. I was torn between reveling in being able to laugh together – reinforcing a fledgling connection – and breaking the law. But they were my brothers and we were about a mile from Mom and Dad. And they were so cool.
Still trying to get the sour, skunky taste out of my mouth, we motored back to the dock, and went up for dinner. I think one of them might have pushed me in the lake. Brotherly love.
Click here for a recording of this.
Doug-
I’m wondering if you might be able to condense the first four sentences. The moment of “revelation” of having different moms feels a little early in the piece to have a build up. I might suggest placing it later or introducing it earlier (in a more nonchalant fashion).
I like what you’re doing with italics in the piece but feel like the flashback needs to be set off from the intro. I didn’t recognize the shift at first and it seemed harsh. I’m also wondering how much of this piece you could tell without actually telling (ie breaking parent’s trust).
I am a huge fan of the “(!)” after the “But I took a sip.” It really connected me to the reader as I was able to take a step back and feel his alarm. See you in workshop!
[...] real attempt at this can be seen in another, similar piece I wrote about an experience with my brothers (and a recording can be found here [archive.org temporarily not functioning, will update asap]). [...]
Creative nonfiction unit - a view from above « oysters said this on May 12, 2008 at 1:12 am |